A few weeks ago, I went shopping with my mum and I bought my “Christmas Dress”. I wanted a black sequinned sparkly number for Christmas Eve. For me, sequins are synonymous with Christmas. Although I already have a dress fitting this description in my wardrobe, it no longer fits me. I have put on quite a bit of weight since last year, but rather than beating myself up about this I have decided to wait until I have finished my immunotherapy treatment in a couple of month’s time. So, on Christmas Eve my plan is to wear my sparkly dress, sparkly earrings and I have some new lovely make-up that has a touch of sparkliness too. Put me near a light and I’ll probably look like a disco ball.
Sequins, sparkles and make-up can sometimes cover up what’s really going on and how I really feel on the inside. They can conversely, also make me feel better and more able to face the world.
Throughout my cancer, many people have often said how well I look and how positive I am. They might be saying this to make me feel better… The positive attitude is genuinely there on those good days, but not always. I do have days and moments that are difficult, and I remain anxious about my cancer and the side effects of treatment.
At the moment I’m finding fatigue really challenging, the simplest of tasks can drain me mentally and physically. I’m certainly needing more ‘nan-nan’ naps. I call these days my ‘treacle’ days when I feel like I am wading through the stuff. I’ve been struggling so much I asked for a month’s break in treatment. I’m almost at the end of the 2 years of immunotherapy now and feel like I am on that last little bit of a marathon, and I need all the energy I can muster to get to the finish line.
I had scans recently too and I’m waiting for the results. I called the hospital last week and they hadn’t got the results. I could have contacted them again this week, but I just could not face it and have decided to wait until my appointment early next month. I’m feeling relatively hopeful, the lump in my neck seems to have finally shrunk to the point I can no longer feel it. But, as many people with cancer know, scans are an anxious time and the three months go by so quickly.
Christmas is a season full of sparkle, in fact it’s almost impossible to escape it. The floors in our house seem to be impregnated with glitter. I do love Christmas, I have so many happy memories. But, it’s also a time of reflection and this is tough. I think back to the last few Christmases and each one has a memory of melanoma attached to it. Memories of starting adjuvant therapy just after Christmas, the Christmas when I was preparing for lung surgery and then a lump popped up on my neck and then these last two years of being on immunotherapy. I’ll be honest, for the last few years I have thought that I might not see the following Christmas. Last Christmas, I had just gone through SRS (Gamma Knife) after another brain met decided to grow and I had "moments of doom" the likes of which I really haven’t experienced before or since.
Each year though, I have managed to pull myself round and have a lovely time and create new memories.. As my Grandma once said, you have to focus on being thankful that you are here this Christmas, not worry about the future and I hold that thought close.
This year, I honestly feel knackered (I consider this a medical term) and trying to find the festive spirit is proving a little more challenging than it has done before. I think it’s because of feeling exhausted and I need to perhaps be a little kinder to myself and set lower expectations. I’m grateful for what I have and how far I have come in this treatment. I am thankful for the love and support I have. I’m hopeful that the scans will be good and any melanoma cells are being kept in check. But I need to properly admit that it’s ok to feel tired after all, I’m still in the marathon of treatment.
I always say that it’s important to find sparkle in everyday things, things that give you joy and hope. It doesn’t have to be a grand adventure, it can be as simple as going out for coffee and cake with a friend, walking the dog or sitting and reading a book. You don’t need to feel like you have to be as sparkly as the most sequinned of dresses, just a few sequins worth is okay and it’s good enough - in fact it’s those smaller moments in life that are the most precious and sparkling of all.
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